200 miles away
by Lololova
Summary: TextsFromLastNight: Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. In case you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away. Takes place somewhere in season 4.


_**TextsFromLastNight** : Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. In case you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away._  
 _Takes_ _place somewhere in season 4._

* * *

Kate Beckett stared down at the text message and, through the pounding of her head, cursed underneath her breath. She had vague memories from that conversation, that hour long conversation. A conversation that apparently _she_ started by pressing her thumb onto his picture on her phone. _God, she'd been so drunk_. She had gone out last night in order to forget all these thoughts about the absent writer, _these thoughts_ she couldn't seem to get rid off. Apparently they hadn't disappeared along with her sobriety either. _So, getting drunk hadn't made it better at all_. Staring down at his message again she wasn't sure how to respond. _Should she even respond?_

"Fucking hell," she groaned with a sigh and dropped her phone into her mattress as she put her face into her pillow.

 _What had she told him exactly?_ She tried to remember but it was all a blur. According to his text she'd told him to say he loved her, but did that mean she had told him she heard him? Did she tell him she remembered him telling her he loved her that day, with her chest burning from the bullet wrecking her skin. Did she tell him she loved him back? _God_ , she was _just_ finally feeling the two of them getting closer together and that wall inside of her starting to break down piece by piece. And now she felt as though she'd destroyed it all. Again.

Richard Castle, the writer – _her writer_ –, had gone on a book trip in order to speak at a book convention and she had told herself she would keep herself busy enough to not give into her urges to call him. She had _almost_ succeeded. _Damn alcohol_. She missed him terribly and it felt as though he took a part of her with him as he said goodbye at the airport – because of course he'd convinced her to follow him there to say goodbye – and parted from her.

Groaning again she buried herself in her pillow with closed eyes and tried her hardest to stop her head from pounding. She had told him to tell her he loved her, _repeatedly_. A vague memory of his utter shock and surprise was slowly trying to submerge from somewhere in the back of her mind and she cursed.

 _"Wh-what?"_ he'd questioned, and after she'd repeated herself he'd exclaimed. _"Beckett, are you drunk?!"_

She'd giggled it off and, _oh god_ , she couldn't believe how she could've let her guard down enough to allow herself to drink that much! And _where the hell had Lanie been?!_ Hadn't they gone out together? Kate tried to think, tried to solve the missing pieces of the puzzle inside her head as the pain did nothing but increase. Lanie Parish, her best friend, had... had... She tried to think. The pounding got stronger and she was frustratingly starting to feel the tears enter her eyes and turned her head to her side. There was no point in smothering herself while thinking, no matter how much that would've solved every problem she had. _What about the people who care about you, Kate?_ Castle's voice got inside her head and she immediately pushed away all thoughts of her death bringing any solution at all.

 _Oh!_ Lanie had canceled last minute! Had said something about her mother needing help with an emergency and had to take off to get there in time. Groaning again with tears slowly slipping down her cheeks she wondered why the hell she went out alone. _She knew why_. She couldn't handle the emotions sterling up inside her, couldn't handle how _much_ it tore on her being apart from her writer. The booze had been supposed to help, _not make_ _it worse!_ All she wanted to do was call him, that's all she'd wanted for the past four days and the booze had let her guard down enough to actually do it.

"I screwed up," she whispered as she just laid there, letting her tears glide without making an effort to wipe them off.

 _"Kate, you don't want..."_

 _"Tell me you love me, Castle, come oooon."_

The memory was slowly sneaking into her brain and she bit her lip as to not let it quiver.

 _"Ok, fine, you won't remember this tomorrow anyway. I love you, Kate. I_ love _you."_

He'd even emphasized the love part, probably because it was still true. _Maybe they weren't screwed_. Kate reached for her phone again to check the message for the millionth time.

«Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. In case you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.»

200 miles away. And he still walked her home, or... well, talked her home. She vaguely remembered something about him asking where she was all of the time, and when she accused him of being a stalker he'd said something about... something about... _Damn what had he said?_ Something about wanting her to be... _safe_! That was the word he used. So, he still cared about her at least. When she'd stumbled and almost fallen to the ground he'd been scared of her yelp and demanded to know if she was okay, _really_ okay. He had almost demanded pictures to make sure she wasn't lying about her not having scratched herself on the ground or something, though she hadn't actually fallen so she managed to convince him she wasn't hurt.

Biting her lip she clicked on the small square to start writing a text back, her thumbs hovering above the keyboard as she tried to gather up the strength to write whatever she would be able to come up with. After a few more minutes of thinking – and head still pounding – her thumbs started to dance across the keyboard. Without too much thought she hit send and witnessed the message being sent away to her writer.

«Thank you for not hanging up on me. I'm sorry I was such a pain, I don't know what flew into me making me drink so much. Hope you're having a nice trip. See you soon.»

As soon as there was nothing she could do to undo the message she put her phone on her nightstand and cuddled her face down into her pillow. _God_ , her head hurt. She tried to forget about everything for a minute, just forget all the struggles she had stumbling in her mind, her heart, but her head just _wouldn't stop_. She kept seeing his face behind her closed eyes, kept seeing his smile and that twinkling blues he had every time he looked at her. Deep down she knew she was utterly and madly falling in love with the writer – _her_ writer – but she also couldn't stop denying it.

The guy had been following her around for almost four years now and he'd told her he loved her when she was dying in the grass with a bullet in her heart. She knew he'd loved her for a long time, _of course she did_ , but hearing him actually confessing it made it so much more real. _And so much scarier_. When she hadn't had any evidence whatsoever she'd been able to fool herself, saying he wasn't at all interested in her, saying it wasn't jealousy and hurt striking his eyes every time Josh came to visit her. She had been able to _pretend_ none of it was real. So, when he confessed his love when she was bleeding to death it scared the hell out of her. Sure, it had been the _one_ thing that kept her fighting for her life, but once she woke up she had no idea how to handle everything that had just occurred. Nonetheless how she should handle true love, because no matter how much she had denied it she had fallen in love with him when she hadn't been looking.

While her thoughts kept circling she didn't even notice she was falling back asleep until she woke up hours later with drool on her pillow and a dry throat. Glancing to the clock on her nightstand only to see she'd slept through the whole day. Her headache was gone, so at least that was something.

"Urgh," she groaned as she started pushing herself up onto her arms. She turned around to sit on her butt while rubbing her eyes awake, slowly slipping out of bed in order to set her feet towards the kitchen. She needed to eat something, hadn't eaten all day – _how the hell had she even slept that long?_ – and coffee, she needed coffee. _Coffee_. Just the simple thought of the black beverage had her mind going back to Castle and the text message she'd gotten from him in the morning. How was she even supposed to act once he got back after that phone call? Was she ready to tell him how she felt? Would he tell her how he felt? Again? Or would they continue dancing in circles and ignore that it ever happened in fear of what could go wrong? She sighed as she started eating an apple, figured she could start with the fruit before she decided what to eat for dinner, and while the coffee started brewing she steered her feet back towards her bedroom to fetch her phone. Once she got it she turned back towards the kitchen and checked her messages. There was one from Lanie saying she was sorry she bailed on her the night before and that she hoped she was alright. There was another one from Castle but Kate didn't dare open it up just yet, having seen the first half sentence being:

«Kate, I think we might need to talk.»

It made her heart beat harder and her breathing picked up faster and so she just completely ignored it instead. With her phone placed on her kitchen island she started to look through her fridge to see if she had something easy to cook. She really shouldn't be ordering again, it had become her habit ever since she became a detective and had only gotten worse since she was shot and almost died. With a sigh of frustration she closed the door and opened her freezer instead, maybe there was something she could just heat up. Taking another bite of the apple she put it down on her counter in order to pull open the boxes to look them through. When she found nothing she closed the door with a grunt only to lean with her forearms on her counter, looking towards the half-eaten apple.

 _"Oh, bondage. My safe word is apples."_

She ran her hand through her hair, letting her fingers tangle into the long hair she had still to get used to, and pulled her fingers into a small, loose fist. She missed the simple days. Missed the care-free persona she'd been in her teens, _Rebel KBex_. Maybe _she_ wouldn't have waited so long to tell Castle the truth. Maybe _she_ wouldn't have had any struggles at letting him inside her walls. _If only she'd find that courage now_. With that thought in mind she reached for the apple again to finish eating it. Just as she was about to take the last bite she stopped with her lips around the piece at the sudden sound of knocking on her door. With her forehead furrowing she bit off the piece in her mouth and threw the rest in the trash before she set her steps to her door. She checked the peephole and tumbled backwards at the realization of who's behind the door. Without looking were she was setting her steps she managed to stumble across her shoes and sent herself fumbling into a bureau.

"Beckett?! Are you okay?!" he knocked again and she cursed under her breath for being so damn clumsy.

"Fine!" she called back as she straightened up and ran her hand through her hair. Now she _had to_ open.

With careful steps she went forward and started unlocking the door, taking a deep breath before she actually pulled it open. The moment her eyes met the sight of him her hear skipped a beat and she looked down at her feet, pulling her lower lip into her mouth with her teeth chewing on it.

"Hi," he greeted and she felt the need to hide, the blush on her cheeks not letting her feel embarrassed in secret.

"Uh, hi," she said, glancing up at him. "Come in."

She moved herself out of the way in order to let him in and to her surprise he didn't hesitate before he walked past her and into her apartment. Closing the door she followed him towards the kitchen and first then noticed the brown bag he'd held in his hand when he put it on her counter.

"What's that?" she questioned and he turned towards her with a genuine smile.

"Food, I figured you wouldn't have eaten yet and the best hangover food is definitely hamburgers from Remy's." His smile was radiating a warmth that was contagious and she felt her heart accelerate at the feeling running through her body.

He started to unpack the hamburgers and the fries and she was happily surprised he'd ordered a strawberry milkshake for her too. She couldn't move though, stood still as she observed how he moved in her kitchen. He took out plates out of her cabinet and put the burgers on there along with the fries. He threw away the trash in the right bin under her sink. He was so comfortable in her kitchen it made her both uneasy and feel so much safer than she ever had with anyone going through her stuff. Made her wonder, _maybe he was the one_.

"Here, I hope you don't mind I ordered cheeseburgers, I figured you'd need some food but wasn't sure you would agree to me cooking for you," he said and she was shocked about him being so... open. He pushed one of the plates towards her over the counter and she quickly found herself being drawn to her favorite burger.

As soon as she sunk her teeth in it she couldn't stop the moan slipping past her lips. She'd been a lot hungrier than she's originally thought, and that apple hadn't done much more than tease her hungry stomach. To her surprise he didn't say a word as she ate, only started to eat on his own hamburger with great care as his eyes was glancing at her every once in a while. She knew he was observing her, like always, but tried to push that knowledge aside in order to focus on her eating.

They are in silence and it wasn't until Kate had gotten to her fries, and was dipping them in her milkshake before putting them in her mouth, that Castle opened his to speak.

"So, how are you?"

She slowed down her chewing and swallowed hard, not exactly sure what he was searching for with his deep blues looking into her hazel ones.

"I'm fine, what about you? Thought your book convention was another three days," she looked down at her fries as she ate in order to hide herself.

"It was, but I managed to get out of it saying I had a family emergency."

Her eyes went wide and she felt worry sip into her body. "Is Alexis and Martha okay?"

He waved his hand in front of him as in to wave off her worry. "Yes, nothing's happened to them, I promise," he added the promise as soon as she saw her eyes not letting go of the worry she felt.

"But... then wh-a," she started but quickly silenced herself. _Did he mean her?_

She saw his cheeks blush a bit before he cleared his throat and answered her question.

"I couldn't stop thinking about your call last night," he confessed. "You're never that drunk."

She looked down and started picking at the fries left on her plate, once again wondering how the hell she'd let herself gone that far.

"I-ah," her voice trembled and so she cleared her throat. "I wasn't intending on drinking that much but it just... sort of happened. I'm sorry you had to hear it." She looked up at the way he was suddenly shaking his head.

"No, don't be sorry. I'm actually kind of glad it was me you called," he said with a small smile entering his lips. A reassuring smile. "I just..." she saw him swallow before he started picking at his own fries. "Did you mean what you said?"

She felt her cheeks heat up. "Which of it? I don't remember all of it," she mumbled in shame, still only remembering fragments of what had happened during that call.

She could see him hesitating and she met his blues when he looked into her hazels in search of something, she wasn't sure of what. It looked as though he didn't find it though because he was slowly shaking his head as he popped one fry in his mouth before shrugging his shoulders and saying "Never mind".

With a shaky breath she gathered all the courage she had before closing her eyes and just letting it go.

"I missed you. I wanted to drown my thoughts and stop thinking about you being gone. I missed you so much it hurt more than I thought possible. I thought alcohol could help but obviously it only made me pick up my phone and call you instead. The only thing I remember clearly is making you tell me you love me."

She didn't dare open her eyes and so she let them be closed. Her thoughts started circling around one big fear of him leaving now. As if her confession would set him off running. As if her confession would make him not love her anymore. When she heard his body move she knew it was over, _he'd leave_ , and she felt her heart ache in the need for him to stay. But she couldn't find it in herself to beg him to stay. It wasn't her place. She'd lied to him all those months ago, when she said she didn't remember. He'd moved on, she'd waited too long to tell the truth. It was probably why he'd said yes to the book convention in the first place, to get away from her. Who knew, perhaps he'd even use it as a way to not come back. Make a clean break and never come back again.

She jerked at the sudden feel of his fingers to her cheek and when she opened her eyes she was met with the sight of his concerned blues trying to search her eyes again. His thumb gently moved across her cheek, sending tingles into her skin as he wiped away the tears having left her eye without her consent.

"'How can you love me?' you asked. 'I'm broken and no good' and I asked you back saying 'I love you because you are extraordinary, why wouldn't I love you?'" Castle just whispered his words but the flash in her mind took her back to the night before when she was in her bed with her phone against her ear, listening to his voice while blabbering all her insecurities.

 _"Because I'm no good. What if they come after me again and they shoot you instead? I couldn't live with myself if that happened. I love you," she whispered with tears strolling down her cheeks, her eyes so heavy she was already falling asleep with the confession repeating itself out of her mouth. "I love you, Rick."_

Looking into his blue eyes now she finally understood the question he'd originally brought up. He wondered if she'd meant it when she said she loved him. Fearing her voice wouldn't hold she slightly nodded her head in answer, not knowing if he'd know what she meant but not knowing how to tell him without using her voice. _Well_ , her brain thought, _there is one thing_. She turned a bit on her chair in order to be able to put her hands on his hips and pull him into the open gap of her thighs. She was suddenly very glad she had high stools by her counter because in that moment it allowed her to be in almost the same height as him.

His fingers started to slowly travel back her head, his thumb brushing her ear, and she could see his eyes ask the one thing on her mind. Stretching her neck a little bit he met her halfway and their lips touched for the first time since that dark evening in an alley almost a year ago. The kiss started out slow but it didn't take long before they were both hungry for more. Their lips parted simultaneously and somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered how the hell they could always be in such sync. She moaned when his taste filled her mouth and let her fingers travel from his hips in under his shirt to feel his skin against her searching fingers. She felt his body push closer to hers and she pushed herself into him too, feeling her body craving his.

"Mm-we should-mm stop," he mumbled as his lips slowed down the kiss,

"Mm-why?" she mumbled back, her mind filled with the images of him making love with her.

"Too fast?" he sounded insecure and that was the reason she pulled away. _What if he regretted it already?_ "Not like that!" he quickly said with a strong voice as his lips crashed onto hers again with a feverish kiss before he pulled away. "I want you, _I do_ , I just don't want this to go too fast. I know you have walls."

"Screw the walls," she said and was about to kiss him again when he carefully held her back.

"No, I want to do this right. I love you Kate, and I will not lose you because I went too far too fast."

Looking into his blues she felt a gratitude towards him she had no clue she could feel. A warmth spread in her chest and for the first time since her shooting the scar between her breasts wasn't feeling cold.

"Okay," she agreed with a smile entering her lips. "But-uhm, I think the walls are coming down soon."

His lips pulled up in a big smile and he leaned down to kiss her again, this time it stayed slow and she wasn't in a hurry to heat it up. They would get to that later, when her walls were fully down, and they could talk about everything that had happened the day she was shot.

"Let's start with a movie?" he asked and she nodded.

It didn't take long before they were curling into each other on her couch, watching a movie none of them really cared about. All they cared about was being right there, on the couch, with each other to hold. It was the start of something great, Kate was sure of it, and to think it all started with her getting drunk enough to let her emotions guide her into calling the writer she found herself having fallen in love with during the past three and a half years.

 ** _THE END_**

* * *

 ** _A/N:_** _Thank you guys for being so patient with me. Hope this one shot is "good enough" because I can't think of a better ending and I really wanted to give you guys something this weekend too. I will try find a prompt that will get me write something better for next time. Might take something one of you sent to me, we'll see. Anyway, hope you have a great week ahead of you! Until next time, xxxx_


End file.
